I don’t really understand why I had social anxiety as a teenager. Nor did I understand why I couldn’t drink like other guys did.
At the age of 50, a psychiatrist - after some tests and an exhaustive interview- diagnosed me with Adult ADHD, Atypical Depression and being on the Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum (knocking back half a bottle after work and smoking 40 cigarettes for a large part of my life does qualify me).
I’m on medication that has reduced my unhealthy craving for so many damned things (right now it has helped me quit my addiction to nicotine gum - since I am sober and don’t smoke anymore that was my one remaining addiction) - it has also helped me focus better and not go down endless rabbit holes.
I talk to fellow alcoholics regularly. They are one group of friends I have alongside other groups of friends. I was sober from 2005 to 2011 without God or any group of fellow alcoholics, but it got lonely, and I felt left out of many parties and get-togethers. This time medication, a few ex-alcoholic friends and some good mental and physical habits are working wonders. I feel so much better in this – my second spell of sobriety which has already lasted a while.
Despite being an alcoholic who never thought he was one till the age of 34 I managed to keep a job and did not get into brawls, was not horribly manipulative or a compulsive liar, I did not have shady financial dealings, was never corrupt, was not a physically abusive spouse or a cruel parent, was not into office gossip or office politics and never back-stabbed colleagues. Never.
I was not a person of high character, but neither was I a person of low character. An interview with my colleagues, classmates, family members, daughters, ex-spouses (yes, I’m divorced twice) will testify to that. While I do feel alcoholism and its resultant behaviour contributed to my divorces, I am also happy to say in my sober years, my ex-wife remains my closest friend. I doubt if someone with terrible character defects would manage to pull that off.
I suffered from certain chemical imbalances in my brain which were inherited. Pretty much how I have inherited a pre-disposition to diabetes and cancer. The result of these imbalances pre-disposed me to anxiety, depression and alcoholism.
Unfortunately, I was a functional alcoholic and not only kept my job but flourished in it from the age of 22 to 45. The reason I say unfortunate is I kept suffering and living with a particular condition for many years which I need not have.
My only tool was talk therapy which worked wonders for me – I doubt if I could have got a job or kept a job without it. But it was certainly not enough. There were genuine brain chemistry issues which a talk therapist was not qualified to fix.
The cure for these lies partly in medication, partly in avoiding certain substances and partly in developing healthy habits. It’s the same as diabetics, cancer patients and heart patients are advised.
As I said earlier I had a pre-disposition to cancer. Three years ago I got the big C and have so far had two surgeries to remove tumours and chemotherapy. But the way I felt about my illness of cancer and my other illness of substance use disorder couldn’t be more different.
I did not need to submit to a Higher Power to make my life manageable or confess my sins and bad character in order to recover from cancer. Like any disease there are certain things one must be extremely careful about. With cancer it was smoking, with substance use disorder it is alcohol or drugs. Just like it is very difficult for a person who has cancer to give up smoking and it often requires several attempts – it is the same with substance use disorder. There is no higher power involved.
Exercise and diet are good for everyone – they are essential for heart patients.
Having less sugar is good for everyone but it is essential for diabetics.
In the same way giving up all substances, avoiding stressors, taking medication if required and developing healthy mental and physical habits are essential for addicts.
Parents and partners asking an alcoholic in horror why she got drunk the previous evening and behaved the way she did is akin to asking an epileptic why he suddenly had a seizure in front of everyone. At least he could have had it in his room and not in front of others. In addition, he really should be conscious of the shame he’s causing the family’s reputation by having these seizures. Once an alcoholic starts drinking a chemical reaction starts which makes his drinking almost completely out of control. It has absolutely nothing to do with his character.
There are addicts with shady characters like there are in any group of people.
No. Substance Use Disorder needs to be decoupled from the idea that it is because of a poor character which only God and other addicts can cure. If that were the case, then how was I sober for six whole years with no God and no group? How is Javed Akhtar, the legendary lyricist and poet sober for 31 years with neither?
In the same way that heart patients don’t need character development with fellow heart patients - all under the close supervision of God - neither do addicts. Statins, diet, exercise and being stress-free will prevent heart attacks – not endless confession and God.
Don’t get me wrong. Character development and healthy mental and physical habits are good for every single human being belonging to every single nationality and every single religion. Not just addicts.
The moment we think that substance use disorder is due to our character defects, parents, partners and patients – in their justified fear – will open themselves to exploitation and shaming by any guru, faith healer, shaman or cult. A friend’s circle of fellow sufferers may help with sobriety, in the same way that a group of diabetics helping and motivating each other would help them (a quick phone call to a friend in case one is very tempted to gulp down cake at a party is useful).
I am writing this because I was part of a group run by a so-called doctor who charged us a bomb, kept us in his centre for over a year, manipulated us into feeling that our cure was due to our belief in him, encouraged us to feel grateful to him on a daily basis . At the same time he made oodles of money out of patients, falsified figures relating to his centres recovery rate. He told us to form close friendships with other patients at his centre because it was essential for our recovery while having a non-consensual, abusive and manipulative relationship with the daughter of a man who he said was one of his oldest and closest friends.
A guru or endless confession of one’s sins in a group is not what helps addicts. Bonding with other addicts, not feeling isolated in their illness along with medication, stress reduction methods and therapy (if required) is more than enough.
I am writing this to tell myself and others who suffer from the same illness that I do:
It’s not our fault!
We do not need to join cults out of fear.
We do not need to call ourselves bad people every day.
We do not need to tell ourselves that all our thinking before giving up substances was terrible.
We do not need to tell ourselves that only a belief in a Guru or a Group will heal us.
We do not need to believe in God.
We do not need to let the fear of our illness be exploited.
I repeat:
We do not need Gurus, Groups or God to be healthy and happy.
