There is a time for everything.
A time to live
A time to die
But when time stands still
And the hands on the clock
That make the present the past
Stop!

Then there is only darkness.
Not "presence."
Not being in the moment
Not being "mindful"
Just darkness

Like eyes closed
Or the groping for a torch
When the lights have gone
Or the dull thud
In a dark heart.

Darkness is home
Shelter
It has neither light
Nor vision
It is blindness
And stumbling.

And you with the light
Why do you stand there
Shining your light at me?
Do you not see
That I am blind
That in the dark
I cannot fathom the light
Not even the shadow

Only people passing by
Their moving silhouettes on the wall
Like a movie that is never still
And you can't hold on
To a single scene
Before it has gone.

But my eyes are stapled tight
It isn't agony
Just pain
Which is the same
As coming out
Of a womb
And crawling back in again

"I stand at the door and knock
If any man hear my voice
And open the door
I will come in to him
And eat with him
And him with me"
Said, the Son of God.

I can't find the door.
I did once
It only led to another door.

The End of the Beginning

A torn and tattered time table is what I take back with me tonight

I take students torn away from me tonight

I take the incomplete syllabuses.

Of my students

And want to complete those lessons tonight.

I take my love for them tonight

I take conversations

Meanderings

Questions

Debates

And smiles

For those magical journeys

Through time and space

That got us here.

Our human journey.

Our link with all before us.

And the link we’ll leave behind us

For those to come.

That’s what I teach.

History.

And now our relationship?

Is it history too?

As I touch my steering wheel

And watch myself steering away from them

This drive is the loneliest one

Even though it is full of so many people

Some who will go to the next class

Some who will leave the next class

Some who will drift into their next station

Away from school

Another marker in their journey

In another country

To another future

But time stands still

And they carry the same spirit with them

Wherever they go

And I know

At the deepest core of my heart

That their spirits are beautiful

And that makes me smile

As I drive home tonight

Making love - conditions attached

I would make love to you

While Beethoven's Emperor

Was playing

Vigorous

Passionate

Or gentle 

With Mozart's Elvira Madigan

Or long

And soulful

With Miles

Kind of Blue

And if you want the

Inveterate thump

Of EDM

Or the music that's 

Happening

Then I can humbly say

Fuck off!

Dukkha or tears of smoke

DUKKHA

Do I cry?

Or hold it in?

Hold it in

That's being myself

I last cried in childhood

And then...

Tears became smoke

They don't come

The glands don't work

They turn into red eyed

Smoke

But tears I feel

Vaguely

Uncomfortably

Not knowing why they're there

Dukkha, suffering the Buddha spoke about

Hit the sweet spot of

My hearts bat

My hearts beat

Yes Dukkha

That which....

No promotion

Non stop socialising

Drinking

Smoking

Aimless chattering

Gassing

Planning

Eating

Stressing

Can remove

That quiet Dukkha

The first noble truth

For others - tears reveal it

For me - just smoke.

Untitled Night

I like a life of hushed notes and electric crackle.

I like buzzing neural circuits and a quiet shimmering blue sea

I hold my life in shaking hands

Not knowing a moment from the next

That is till I put my babies to sleep

And then I'm still

A lake of calm with willow trees reflecting in my soul.

A ripple of love quivers gently through my limbs.

My babies

My daughter

My dog

Petting one and stroking the others soft smooth hair

And then they sleep. Dead to the world. One with folded skin and long ears.

The other with the face of an angel.

And then I stay awake in silence.

Lights off.

My children can't be disturbed.

The light of day is harsh enough.

I lie, in those hushed notes

Reading and reading into the AM.

My kindle glow is warm

The words comforting

I travel then with Hobsbawm the historian

From medieval spain to renaissance Italy. I go further east to the Ottoman turks in their robes and then further to Moscow

Under the dazzle of the Kremlin

And the harsh ruthlesness of the Tsars.

Back west, this bed is a travel chamber

England, industrialising

Smoke billowing from factories

Train tracks being laid

Like criss cross stitches across the heart of the island

Further, further, further

The gigantic endless eternity of the plains

In the American midwest

And then for a while like an eagle

My soul drops down on Vienna

Where music plays

Music, divine music!

On carpets under chandeliers

Mozart, Beethoven, Brahms, Bruckner, Schubert.

Their symphonies buzz in my ears.

Oh world! Oh endless journey

Oh life! Oh eternal variations

Beating a drum roll on the themes of lives long gone

And then

Between pages

Before my finger taps

For the next marvel to hang

Like a portrait in my mind

Between page and page

I glance at my sweethearts

And the neural crackle

Synapses of wonder

Pause

And shut down

And there is quiet

And there is love

And there are my children

And there is my stillness

Until I turn the next page.

JANUS

Two heads

Opposite directions

Permanence in sight

Transience in view

Colours ephemeral

No canvas lies still

Paintings always bleed

In our imagination

They don't hang in galleries

Music changes notes

In flux

In motion

Every sound

Arising

Dying

Passing

Reborn

Arising

Dying

Passing

Reborn

Permanence sought me

I sought permanence

Love sought me

I sought forever

Fairy tales trapped me

I trapped fairy tales

Romance ruined me

Romance saved  me

In love with the world

In books and music

In history and philosophy

In sensuality and compassion

In literature and art

Romance saved me

From:

The parched earth of man and woman

Man and man

Woman and woman

Pricking together like a cactus

In a desert of loneliness

But when two embrace the world

They embrace each other

They sail oceans of poetry

Stare at galaxies of knowledge

Their eyes sparkle

Diamond rings don't

They are jailors 

In prisons of "forever"

In fairy tale webs

Trapped

Trapped in "lives together, lives forever, till death do us part"

And then

We die alone

The irony

That death brings us

Is the truth that philosophy gives us

The truth of paradox

The truth of Janus

What was that he sang?

The man with a "Sting"!

If you love somebody

Set them free.

There is a deeper wave than this

Which you don't understand

There is a deeper wave than this

Tugging at your hand

Insomnia

Insomnia

It's 1am

And you're with me

In the soft hushed notes

Of Rain by pianist

Kenny Barron

He's quiet 

Like our insomniac night

Insomnia

It's 2am

You lie by me

So close

Without prose

Your hair falls over me

The soft orchestra to Norah Jones singing question

Don't Know Why

Insomnia

It's 3am

You're more tender

Than this blurry night

So vulnerable

Paul McCartney songs

Little Willow

Was sung

To you

To me

To us

Insomnia

It's 4am

Dawn's prick hasn't

Touched your Angelic eyes

They're still closed

Looking at me

And Coldplay sings

You're Always In My Head

Insomnia

It's 5am

It's feverish

It's a mile

Of a million sleepless steps

But you slept with me

So my steps treaded gentler

You are the rest 

Between my two notes

Insomnia!

Resting with you

Gazing at you

By my side

Is it insomnia then?